This just in. Roving packs of chihuahuas on campus are being spotted at
an increasingly alarming rate. As many as two dozen reports an hour are
hitting my desk.
There has been no major injuries as of yet, but the campus infirmary
have beds waiting in preparation. Dean Groucho has sent a well trained
team of students to ease any suffering. After writing this, I'm going to
have myself admitted to get my shoelaces looked at, amongst other
things.
After a long discussion with our resident animal expert, Krazy, it has
been decided that these savage beasts are not to be tossed a la moose.
They are too small and don't fly very well without an added means of
propulsion.
The best means of self defense against these vicious beasts is to pick
them up and twang them with a catapult in the direction of nearby
ceiling fans.
Krazy, and myself, have spent the afternoon experimenting with various
catapults and fan speed settings to get the most effective results.
Please use this as the definitive means to rid PU of these savage
beasts.
The following directions have been categorized, subcategorized and
sub subcategorized to make them easy to follow.
Weaponry testing results (indoors).
We tried three different type of catapult for this scientific study. A
forked stick with rubber bands attached, a store bought super-pult and a
Roman ballista.
It is found that the stick variety doesn't have the required power,
although it did result in some humorous wailing as the chihuahua was
hurtling toward the fan. The devil dog was only stunned one in twenty
times during this phase of testing, and so left us running around the
room and jumping on the coffee table to avoid being mauled.
The roman ballista, while effective at all fan speed settings, it
tended to leave large holes in the drywall and is therefore deemed too
powerful for the requirements. That and the fact they are hard to stick
in your pocket.
The store bought super-pult (Wal-Mart $19.99) seemed to do the trick
quite admirably. Although it's major drawback was the velocity of the
beasts left little time to hear the satisfying howl of protest before
hitting ground(fan?)-zero.
Result: The super-pult rated best overall.
Fan Speed Settings (indoors).
All fans on campus are the same. They are manufactured by Defective
Homeware Inc. and have three settings. THese are slow, fast and damn!
Check your supplied manual if you are not sure which speed your fan is
currently running at.
The slow speed, much like the stick catapult, merely left us with
humorous results. The two together provided Krazy and myself with hours
of endless yelping and playing catch. The results were not effective,
but we have come up with a new sport that resembles ropeless tetherball
and la-crosse with catapults.
We are checking with the SPCA to see if anaesthetizing the 'ball' is
required. If so, then it pretty much ruins the participation of the game
and renders it quite dull after a few minutes.
The fast speed setting proved to be a good median between outright
cruelty and a rather humane way to go. We still got the desired 'thudda-
thudda-thudda' as the beast went through the fan blades. And it usually
came out in one piece, adding an extra level of challenge to our new
pastime.
Damn! speed settings. This was an easy choice to go with first. THe
results were mixed. Usually mixed in with the carpets, walls and
furniture. But the sheer amount of cleaning up afterwards made it
resemble work. We experimented with this setting for only half an hour.
Don't try this at home, kids!
Result: Fast fan speed is the most desirable setting overall.
Fan Speed Testing (outdoors).
This test was a complete failure. Everytime I let go of the fan from
the top of the stepladder, it fell to the ground despite Krazy's urgings
to levitate. We gave up on this after two hours and seventy eight broken
fans.
Result: No ceiling fans outdoors, please. It's not a viable option.
Weapons testing (outdoors).
Again, the stick catapult failed for it's purpose miserably. And
without the aid of a ceiling fan we found ourselves being chased around
the sports field after our ammo had landed. This is not a good thing at
all and can be quite exhausting!
The super-pult faired admirably again. Fired at the correct angle and
with a lot of torque, the rabid beasts flew over the bleachers and
landed on Main St. with a remarkably acceptable squelching sound to
finish off the prolonged howling.
But it was the ballista that really came into it's own in the great
outdoors. Trajectory, velocity and range were all thoroughly tested and
we came to a few surprising results.
Although flinging these wailing canines as far as the equipment would
allow was certainly effective, it didn't provide us with the audible
thud we had grown to love with the indoor testing or with the super-
pult.
And so, after a few adjustments to trajectory, Krazy found the optimum
performance level of this self defense weapon.
By changing the release point to ninety degrees and placing the
ballista approximately three feet from the gymnasium wall the results
resulted made a spectacular pancake and a resounding thud that needs to
be heard to be fully appreciated.
Overall results: The super-pult seems to be the logical method of
choice due to it's portability and power. But the ballista and stick
type are extremely entertaining in their own environment.
If the plague of dormouse sized hell hounds persists, we will be testing
tazers, stun guns and large mallets over the weekend. Tickets available
at all Ticket-Missy outlets for $77.00 plus parking.
Please read this help guide carefully, and eat it before the enemy can
get hold of it. If that means printing it out first, then do so. I have
used a special cherry flavored font to make it enjoyable.
Be vigilant, be prepared and be safe!
We now return you to your normal lunacy. Thank you for your time.
Wav. files available upon request.
Crusader Raider. ©¨
Head of Debate Class. Pedo U.
Editor of the P.U.Picayune.
Da Big Temporary Poot. First Church Of Laika.
Member: Free The Beer Movement
Supporter: Free Eating Issue
First Lieutenant Colonel Vice Chairman And Tea Lady of the PU Militant Moose
Eradication League (PUMMEL).
Decorated Chihuahua Wrestling Veteran.
ILWT
SWMBA
Another means of disposal:
The Vaccopult!!
Instructions:
1. Stretch unemployed former NYAG between 2 moving trains.
2. Wait until tension reaches huge amounts. (
Suggested test, one train in NY and one in Calif.)
3. Place offending animal in crotch of former NYAG (teeth first)
4.Pull
5. Shout PULL!
6. Release
7. Reload and repeat.
ILWT, Groucho.
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